Last Day

As a lifelong migraine sufferer who has had an 18-month-or-so respite, it hit me like a falling piano yesterday. The nausea and hyper-presence of peering through these little windows we call eyes, inspecting each little speck on the toilet, wishing I had cleaned it more recently. I tried to focus on the veiled reflection of myself in the water, observing the highlights and lowlights of my image that otherwise lacked detail. Everything evacuated and made room for the crown of flames and hallucinations. A shadow of myself hovered nearby as I cowered on the cool floor in the dark and simmered at Bephegor's cunning attempt to fan the flames of doubt.

Where have you been? I wondered. Hiding beneath the shield of my left scapula? Waiting for your perfect opportunity to seize my body and render it immobile? Well, you're a day early, f*cker! I get on the plane tomorrow.


A couple of hours later, I was among the living and ready to eat. Travis offered one more Yahtzee Tournament before I left and I wanted to take him up on that.

Please, please, please don't come back today...

Travis left this morning for a local golf tournament (wearing a pink bling belt in my honor) and will be home around 1pm. I went back to bed after feeding breakfast to everyone for the last time in three months. But I want to start this journey with a post.

"Landslide" came on Pandora last night and these lyrics resonated, "I've been afraid of changing 'cause I built my life around you." Yes, I have immense fears. I worry about leaving Travis and the four-legged kids. Travis is my love, my motivator and support. Sweet Jaeger is getting older and loves his mommy. Pichu is my little muse (who inspires me in fits and starts, and waits patiently as I try to see the story). Drifter is my teacher. Montreux and Wilfred are just starting their lives with us, and I worry they won't remember me. And Jake is down the hill with Jamie, and I wish them the best. And then there's Tramp, who, if nothing else, is good for a laugh.

I have two traveling companions that were given as gifts — a Thai elephant from Siri and a magical stuffed unicorn from Peggy and Genelle — and three journals (from Melissa, Henriette, and Mindy).

In the next three months, I have a lot of writing to do.

As for my last ride, on Wednesday, Kathy and I rode on the west side of the ski resorts, up trail 1E01 to Grandview point. I gave Drifter a big awkward, goofy hug up there. I will see you when I get back, buddy.

Yes, I am riding like a "pig farmer"...