Glimpses of Inspiration in Connecticut

Think big when your shadow looks like this...

The transition to Connecticut through the Carolinas—with support from Travis, my family, and friends (and a little unicorn and a tiny elephant)—went smoothly, despite my stomach upset from leaving Travis and the comfort zone I call home. I had a nice visit with my parents, brother, and grandmother; albeit a brief visit. Then, I hit the road at 2am on Tuesday. 

Dad, Russ, and Lady got out of bed to see me out.

Inside, I felt alone and empty...a container ready for filling. Robin Thicke's song on nearly every station (but country) "blurred lines" in the road as I crossed state line to state line, edging my way closer to my destination. I met briefly in Ashland VA for breakfast with Uncle Jim and Aunt Maxine. Cracker Barrel. Of course.

Baltimore tried to road block me but I found an outer loop that re-routed through the Baltimore Harbor Tunnel, and the New Jersey Turnpike went on...for...hours. I waited for someone to drop from the sky after being John Malkovich.

It never happened.

I held my breath as I drove across the George Washington Bridge from New Jersey into New York, looking across at the new Freedom Tower in the hazy sky. All the talk about driving through New York was scarier than actually doing it. It was just a bunch of congested traffic with a view of ashy, dirty brick buildings in the Bronx. I think I paid my last toll here after spending about $50 in tolls alone. No biggie, but get me out of here.

It welcomes...muah?

A couple of hours later, I made it. I was at school. 

I met the other instructors-in-training and we went to the store, then off to the house I am sharing with two others: One from New York, and the other from Israel. Both 21. Both totally sweet.

On the first day, we had a special guest to welcome us to school.

Adorable Smokey

We were all assigned a horse to perform a riding assessment upon. This is the horse that was assigned to me, Bella. I loved her. She was very sensitive and was a joy to ride.

Bella and me

And I have had the opportunity to meet many of the staff who really appear to love what they do. Over the first three days of school, we intensively covered equine anatomy, received brief lessons in sidewalking and leading, learned the feeding schedule, and learned many of the procedures of how things are done in the therapeutic riding world.

I woke up this morning to a birthday unicorn crown from my new Israeli buddy and housemate...

Mazel tov!

I also got two surprise deliveries at school: Starbucks from Rachel (yay!) and flowers from Jason and Lou (beautiful! Unfortunately not what was ordered. I have a feeling someone at ProFlowers got their heads chewed off). My birthday gift this year was being here, but I did miss not being able to spend it with Travis. Luckily, I didn't have to spend my birthday alone. All but one (who lives in a nearby town and had plans with family) of the students came out to dinner with me. This gave me an opportunity to get to know the others a little better. I had a blast.

They are a great group of girls. I wish we were all staying at the same place. Everyone has something incredible to offer. Listening to each one and their varying levels of experience and education is inspiring.

Beginning a new chapter in our lives, both separately and together...

Last Day

As a lifelong migraine sufferer who has had an 18-month-or-so respite, it hit me like a falling piano yesterday. The nausea and hyper-presence of peering through these little windows we call eyes, inspecting each little speck on the toilet, wishing I had cleaned it more recently. I tried to focus on the veiled reflection of myself in the water, observing the highlights and lowlights of my image that otherwise lacked detail. Everything evacuated and made room for the crown of flames and hallucinations. A shadow of myself hovered nearby as I cowered on the cool floor in the dark and simmered at Bephegor's cunning attempt to fan the flames of doubt.

Where have you been? I wondered. Hiding beneath the shield of my left scapula? Waiting for your perfect opportunity to seize my body and render it immobile? Well, you're a day early, f*cker! I get on the plane tomorrow.


A couple of hours later, I was among the living and ready to eat. Travis offered one more Yahtzee Tournament before I left and I wanted to take him up on that.

Please, please, please don't come back today...

Travis left this morning for a local golf tournament (wearing a pink bling belt in my honor) and will be home around 1pm. I went back to bed after feeding breakfast to everyone for the last time in three months. But I want to start this journey with a post.

"Landslide" came on Pandora last night and these lyrics resonated, "I've been afraid of changing 'cause I built my life around you." Yes, I have immense fears. I worry about leaving Travis and the four-legged kids. Travis is my love, my motivator and support. Sweet Jaeger is getting older and loves his mommy. Pichu is my little muse (who inspires me in fits and starts, and waits patiently as I try to see the story). Drifter is my teacher. Montreux and Wilfred are just starting their lives with us, and I worry they won't remember me. And Jake is down the hill with Jamie, and I wish them the best. And then there's Tramp, who, if nothing else, is good for a laugh.

I have two traveling companions that were given as gifts — a Thai elephant from Siri and a magical stuffed unicorn from Peggy and Genelle — and three journals (from Melissa, Henriette, and Mindy).

In the next three months, I have a lot of writing to do.

As for my last ride, on Wednesday, Kathy and I rode on the west side of the ski resorts, up trail 1E01 to Grandview point. I gave Drifter a big awkward, goofy hug up there. I will see you when I get back, buddy.

Yes, I am riding like a "pig farmer"...

Neo, Jack, and my upcoming journey

An update on Neo and Jack...and me. Unfortunately, both horses were too much for their owners to handle.

Neo's owner attended all days of Paul's clinic and absorbed and practiced as much as they could on their more reliable horse. When realizing that their reliable horse needed some work, and it was a chore for them, but far less than they'd be facing with Neo, they began to question if they were doing what was right for him. They talked to Paul and pulled me aside to ask my opinion. I received a text two days after the clinic that said they'd found a home for Neo with someone (a "trainer") who was willing to work with him.

Jack gave me some work on the ground during Paul's clinic. Riding was pretty simple, but groundwork was challenging at times. He's just pushy. But you can't fault him for that. He's been taught to be pushy. Kids had been riding him. Kids make great "trainers" don't they. (I'm not talking about all kids...but in general, unless your kid's been started in the Ray Hunt method of horsemanship, kids make very poor horse trainers.) But anyway, even though Jack had made noticeable improvements, and we addressed and improved everything that was asked of us in 30 days (trail riding alone, cow sorting, and buddy-sourness) he wasn't going to be the "beginner" horse that she was looking for when friends come over to ride, she decided to put him up for sale.

While both of these situations are somewhat disappointing for me, they are what they are. I do realize that the human must be invested and involved in order for horsemanship to work for the horse...and I can't want it enough for someone else in order for them to get that.

So best wishes to Neo and Jack in their future.

And now for my future.

Let me preface this by saying that I'm both excited and apprehensive, optimistic but yet doubting every decision I make. I am heading down a new path with PATH Intl. I leaving for 3 months to study and ultimately become a certified therapeutic horsemanship instructor. I hope this journey not only helps me understand how to better communicate with people who have various emotional and psychological disabilities (no matter how great or small), but also to help people with physical disabilities who need the help of a horse to provide them with legs or to strengthen their core muscles in order to have a better way of life. In the process, my hope is to bring the level of horsemanship I have become so passionate about into a therapeutic program that will help horses and people.

I have quit my job. This scares me.

I leave in a week. This scares me.

I will be away from my husband, horses, dogs, cat, family, friends. This scares me.

I will be in New England for the fall colors. This excites me.

I will be in an intensive learning environment. This excites me.

I am following my dreams and starting a new life that is centered around horses and people. This excites me. And terrifies me.

See ya later, Comfort Zone.

Pack your bags, Doubt; you're going with me.